


Glimpses

by XenaFan74656



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M, Jean-Luc Piacrd; Beverly Crusher; Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-14 03:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7150988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XenaFan74656/pseuds/XenaFan74656
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sneak peak into the evolution of Picard and Crusher's relationship aboard the Enterprise-D...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Encounters After Farpoint

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’  
‘Please.’  
The counsellor handed him a steaming cup of Earl Grey. He was slightly unsettled by this; if she’d researched his tea preferences, what else did she know about him?  
‘Thank you, counsellor.’  
She was regarding him thoughtfully over the top of her PADD. ‘As you know,’ she said. ‘It’s standard procedure for me to go through a quick psych test with each member of the crew on a new ship.’  
‘I’m aware of that.’  
‘Well, you’ve been proving elusive, Captain. I’ve already spoken to every other crewmember aboard the ship and made three appointments to see you. Which you’ve cancelled.’ He couldn’t work out if her tone was amused or accusatory. Also, he was worried about what Beverly might have said to her.  
‘I’m sorry if I’ve inconvenienced you, Counsellor. I’ve been rather busy. Our trip to Farpoint Station didn’t exactly go as planned.’  
‘No,’ she agreed. ‘It didn’t. And Q certainly gave us plenty to think about.’  
‘Yes,’ he said, trying to sound sincere. He hadn’t been thinking of Q though. He’d been thinking of Beverly. He hadn’t expected her to turn up and dealing with her presence was a whole lot harder than solving the mystery of Farpoint Station. The moment she’d walked onto the bridge, he’d felt that hold she had over him. Of course, he’d never really been free of her, but sometimes when she was thousands of light years away, he could go for an entire day without thinking about her.  
The counsellor was speaking again. ‘How are you finding your new ship?’  
‘Unexpectedly crowded,’ he felt like saying. Out loud, he said ‘Fine. She’s a good ship. I’m lucky to be here.’  
‘You don’t miss the Stargazer?’  
Miss the Stargazer? How could he ever miss the Stargazer? It was a haunted ship, filled with the terrible sound of Jack’s last scream and the even worse sound of Beverly’s stunned silence when he’d told her of the accident. ‘No, I don’t miss the Stargazer.’  
‘Not at all? It would be natural to miss it a little.’  
‘Not at all.’ All he saw when he was on the bridge of that ship Jack’s face on that last day, Jack’s eyes filled with the knowledge of something Picard had kept a secret for so long.  
Perhaps frustrated with his monosyllabic answers, the counsellor tried a different line of questioning. ‘And how are you finding you new crew? And W…’ she hesitated and corrected herself ‘Commander Riker in particular?’  
He looked at her with some concern. This was a ship of raw feelings. He wasn’t the only one finding this new assignment difficult. ‘Commander Riker seems like a fine officer.’ He paused, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted to say next. He hardly knew this woman. It felt wrong to be talking about these sorts of things with her. ‘You had some concerns about working with Riker…’ He left the sentence hanging in the air, unfinished.  
She shifted somewhat uncomfortably in her chair. ‘The last time Commander Riker and I…met things didn’t go according to plan, but that’s behind us now. We’re back to being friends.’  
‘If there’s anything I can help with…’ He had no idea how he could help her, but it seemed right to offer.  
She smiled and it was a dazzling smile. ‘It’s alright, sir. We’ll work it out.’  
There was a pause. She wrote something on her PADD. He gazed around her office somewhat awkwardly. She’d made some effort to decorate. There was a lot of pink, but, it was largely as bare as the rest of the ship. Everywhere had an unfinished air at the moment. Everyone still needed to settle in, to get used to their new roles.  
‘How about the rest of the crew?’ she asked and then paused. He knew what she’d say next even before she said it. After all, she’d spoken to Beverly. ‘Are you happy with the medical staff for example?’  
She was trying and failing to make it sound like a casual inquiry. He decided to come straight to the point. ‘She told you then?’  
‘Who told me what?’  
‘Bev…’ Now it was his turn to hesitate. Apparently finding the correct names for people was going to be a problem on this ship. ‘Dr. Crusher told you that I asked if she wanted to request a transfer.’  
‘She did mention it, yes. I was curious as to why. She has an outstanding service record.’  
So Beverly hadn’t told the counsellor that they knew each other. It seemed a strange piece of information to withhold, but then Beverly always had been a very private person. It was one of the many things they had in common. He took a deep breath, wondering how to explain his relationship with Beverly to this stranger. He finally settled for ‘I knew her husband.’  
‘Knew him?’  
‘Yes, he…’ it was still painful to say even after all these years. ‘He was killed while under my command on the Stargazer.’  
‘And you thought if might be hard for Dr. Crusher to work with you?’  
‘Yes.’ It wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t the whole truth either. It was far from being the whole truth. For a moment, he was tempted to tell this woman everything. There was something about her which seemed to invite people to open up, to confide their darkest secrets, but there were some things which he’d never told anyone and never would tell anyone.  
‘Now that she’s decided to stay, how do you feel about her being here? It might be hard for you too.’  
He stared at the Counsellor, remembering suddenly that she was half Betazoid. She was an empath, but not a telepath, she could read his emotions, but not his thoughts. How much did she know? He decided to act as if she didn’t know anything and let her lead the conversation. ‘I respect her decision to stay and I’m pleased to have such an experienced officer on my crew.’  
The Counsellor was smiling at him again. ‘That’s a very textbook answer, Captain.’  
‘Textbook?’  
‘I think you’re telling me what I want to hear so that we can get this psych test over with as soon as possible.’  
She really was perceptive. ‘That’s really not how I feel, Counsellor,’ he lied.  
Her dark eyes were sceptical, but she gave in. ‘Alright then, let’s talk about something else. Do you have any concerns about being on this new ship? Any concerns at all?’  
He had a million concerns and Beverly was chief among them. How was he going to stand being so close to her? ‘No concerns, Counsellor.’  
‘Ok then.’ Again, he got the impression that she didn’t entirely believe him.  
She was passing him something now, a card covered in ink blots. ‘Tell me what you see.’  
As if by magic, the ink blots re-arranged themselves into the shape of Beverly’s face. He stared in surprise.  
‘Captain?’  
Quickly, he tried to think of an answer which she couldn’t read too much into. ‘An open book.’  
‘That’s a very positive image.’ Was that an undercurrent of laughter in her voice? ‘Some might say a little too positive to be real.’ She smiled at him again and this time he smiled back, almost as if they were co-conspirators.  
‘I’m going to say some words,’ she said ‘and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your head. Does that make sense?’  
‘Yes,’ he hated word association games.  
‘Let’s start with some colours. Blue.’ An image of Beverly’s eyes sprang into his mind ‘The sky,’ he said.  
‘Red.’  
Beverly’s hair. Was the Counsellor doing this deliberately? ‘Carrots.’  
‘Green.’  
Beverly had worn a green dress to a formal dinner at Starfleet Academy. He’d spent the whole evening trying not to stare. ‘Grass.’  
‘OK, let’s try places now. We’ll start with your home town. La Barre.’  
Jack had visited him all the time in La Barre, but Beverly had never come. He regretted that. Beverly would love it there and he’d love to show it to her. He gave the most generic answer he could think of ‘Childhood.’  
‘Paris.’  
Beverly and Jack in a Parisian café, laughing at something he’s said. They were sat outside and the wind was blowing Beverly’s hair around her face. ‘The Eiffel Tower.’  
The Counsellor raised an eyebrow and he realised that he needed to be a little less generic. ‘Starfleet Academy. Don’t say ‘lessons’.  
That brought a smile to his face. ‘Boothby,’ he said ‘the gardener.’ Boothby was the second thing he’d thought of. The first had been the stab of jealousy he’d felt the first time he saw Jack kissing Beverly. They’d been in one of the empty classrooms at the Academy and he’d walked in unexpectedly.  
‘San Francisco.’  
‘Beverly’s office at Starfleet medical.’ He’d spoken without thinking and now the words hung there between them. He wished he could unsay them, he wished she would pretend that she hadn’t heard him. ‘I…I spent quite a lot of time there,’ he tried to explain. ‘At Starfleet Medical, I mean…’  
The Counsellor was watching him closely for perhaps the first time. She took a breath, as though she wanted to ask a question, but they were interrupted by the sound of the ship’s communication system. Riker voice was in the room. ‘Riker to Picard.’  
‘Picard here,’ he said, grateful for the interruption.  
‘We’ve just received a distress signal from the USS Tseilkovsky.’  
‘On my way. Picard out.’ He turned to the counsellor. ‘Coming, Counsellor?’ he asked.  
There was a strange look in her eyes and he realised that it had been there ever since she’d heard Riker’s voice.  
‘Counsellor Troi?’  
She seemed to come back to herself. ‘Sorry, captain.’ She stood and they walked out into the corridor together. ‘And it’s Deanna.’  
‘Sorry?’  
‘I like people to use my first name. It’s friendlier.’  
‘I’m not usually on first names terms with my crew.’  
‘It’s what I prefer for my patients.’ The look she shot him was mischevious.  
‘Deanna it is then.’  
Side by side, they walked towards the bridge and that was when he saw it; a flash of blue coat and red hair exiting the turbolift ahead of them. All at once, he found that he was short of breath. She was walking towards them, her demeanour completely professional. ‘Deanna,’ she said, nodding to the counsellor. Then she turned to him ‘Jean-Luc.’ Her voice was like warm silk and he couldn’t think of a reply.  
Once she’d gone past, the Counsellor turned to him, confusion on her beautiful features. ‘I thought you weren’t on first name terms with your crew.’  
Embarrassed, he muttered ‘She’s an exception.’


	2. Chapter 2

‘The Naked Here and Now’  
Chief Medical Officer’s Personal Log, Stardate 41209.2.   
08:00 – Jean-Luc has been blanking me again. And when he’s not blanking me, he treats me with such cold professionalism. He hasn’t even called me by my first name since I came aboard and he’s completely ignoring Wesley. Maybe I should have taken that transfer he offered me. Anything would be better than this awkwardness.   
I just don’t understand why he’s being like this. We always used to get on so well. I mean, I know I must bring back painful memories for him, but I thought, after all these years, that we might be able to move beyond that and be friends like we used to be. It’s so rare in life to meet someone who you just click with instantly, who you feel like you’ve known for years right away, but that was how it was with Jean-Luc and me. I don’t want to lose that. I requested the assignment on this ship to get that back. All those years ago, he was my best friend and I was hoping that he could be my best friend here. I was even hoping that he might be a sort of father figure for Wesley, but nothing is turning out as I’d hoped. He’s barely even looked at me.  
I’ve just read back through this entry and it sounds so childish. I really shouldn’t be letting this bother me.  
08:45 – I mean, I don’t even know why it’s bothering me. There are plenty of other people on the Enterprise who I can make friends with. Deanna, for instance. She seems nice. It’s not like I need Jean-Luc.  
08:47 – But I do need Jean-Luc.  
08:49 – No, I don’t. Computer, erase that last entry. And erase this one too.  
08:51 – It’s not like I’m in love with him. Sure, he’s attractive, but who wouldn’t find that voice attractive? I just enjoyed the platonic friendship we had before and, in a childish moment, I wanted it back. I’m fine without it though. Really, I’m fine.  
08:52 – No, I’m not.  
08:55 – Computer, erase last two entries.  
09:14 – Maybe I should ask Jean-Luc if we can have lunch or something? Just so we can talk things through, find out where we both stand. I’ll have to make very sure that it doesn’t sound like a date though, otherwise he’ll never come. He’d never think of me in that way.  
09:33 – Well, talking to Jean-Luc will have to wait. Geordi went over to that damaged ship we found earlier and he’s come back with some kind of infection. Riker thinks it might be connected to the Psi2000 virus which the old Enterprise encountered years ago. They had the worst luck on that ship. They couldn’t go for more than a week without being infected with something or fighting the Klingons or discovering a hostile mirror universe. I hope this Enterprise is a bit quieter.  
09:54 – Jean-Luc and Deanna were just in here to discuss the whole Geordi situation. Jean-Luc was being weirdly professional again. I know Deanna was here too so he could hardly start treating me like a friend, but I still don’t know how to deal with him when he’s in his captain mode. It’s so different from how he used to be back on Earth…Why am I even thinking about this? I should be concentrating on Geordi. Why am I so focused on Jean-Luc? It’s ridiculous. Maybe it’s because he and Wesley are the only familiar things on this ship at the moment. Yes, that’s it. That must be it.  
10:04 – Good, the doctor on the old Enterprise found a cure for the Psi2000 virus. Well, that solves the Geordi issue anyway.  
10:06 – Turns out the virus mutated. Actually, I’m not sure it is a virus…That doesn’t matter. What matters is that the cure doesn’t work and the infection’s spreading. Apparently Tasha has it now. I’m starting to think it might be spread by touch.  
11:03 – I’m so angry with Will right now! Deanna caught the infection or whatever it is and he touched her and then he touched me, so now I probably have the thing…Must focus and find a cure before the virus gets worse.  
11:23 – The entire ship has turned into one big party. For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about Jean-Luc…  
11:29 – Is it me or is it really hot in here?  
11:48 – The last time it was this hot, I was on a beach, years ago, with Jean-Luc. He looks really good in swimming trunks…  
11:52 –Get a hold of yourself, Beverly! This is not the time to be thinking about Jean-Luc in swimming trunks...  
11:53 –Maybe I should go to the Bridge and update Jean-Luc on the situation…  
12:34 – That was fun. Jean-Luc was in quite a playful mood. I like flirting with him. His voice is really nice…  
12:55 – I know I was meant to be doing something, but I can’t remember what it was.  
13:00 – I was meant to be asking Jean-Luc to lunch!  
13:14 – No, wait, it was something else…  
13:43 – Oh, the virus! I was meant to be finding a cure for the virus! I should probably do that…If I could only remember how these science-y things on my desk worked…  
14:54 – Jean-Luc has really nice eyes. He was staring at me earlier. I think he likes me. I know I like him. He’s really hot. Why did I never realise that before?  
15:17 – Maybe I’ll ask Jean-Luc to come down here…He could help me with whatever it is I’m meant to be doing…  
15:19 – The virus. I keep forgetting the virus. Focusing now.  
16:10 – All I can think about is Jean-Luc’s voice and the way he tugs his uniform when he sits down…It’s kind of mesmerising…  
16:17 – I think I might be getting somewhere with this virus thing.  
16:28 – That might be a cure. I should show Jean-Luc.  
16:39 – He’s coming in, I can see him. He’s so tall and manly and manly and strong. I wonder what it would feel like to kiss him…  
17:30 – The cure worked. I’m feeling more like myself now and the rest of the crew seems to be returning to their normal selves as well. I have a feeling that things might be a little awkward around here for a while; Will and Deanna seem to be avoiding each other and so do Tasha and Data – no one saw that coming! I can’t quite remember what I did whilst infected, but I’m sure it wasn’t anything embarrassing.   
17:45 – I just saw Jean-Luc in a corridor. He literally ran in the opposite direction when he saw me coming.   
18:04 – Oh dear, I’m starting to remember this afternoon…  
18:07 – I went to his Ready Room. I sat on his desk. I threw myself at him. We flirted. We nearly kissed. No wonder he ran away from me.  
18:26 – How could I have done that? How?  
18:28 – More importantly, why did I do that?  
18:51 – I mean, it’s not like I’m attracted to him. We’re just friends. It must have been the virus.  
19:22 – But the virus makes people act on feelings which they already have which are latent or ignored which is why Will and Deanna were attracted to each other, which means…  
19:29 – No, it can’t mean that. The virus must have created new feelings too which is why whatever it was happened between Tasha and Data…  
19:33 – Unless Tasha and Data already…  
19:34 – No. Don’t even think about that.  
19:58 – I’m not attracted to him. I’m not.  
20:08 – I’m really not.  
20:17 – All the same, I probably shouldn’t ask him out for lunch any time soon. He would definitely panic and think that it was a date.  
20:23 – On the other hand, maybe lunch would be a chance to sort things out between us.  
20:24 – Or maybe not.  
20:41 – Oh, I’m confused! I’ve got to stop thinking about this.  
21:15 – Computer, erase all personal log entries for today.  
21:17 – I should probably confiscate that silly voice-imitator thing from Wesley. Wouldn’t want him taking over the ship again.


	3. Chapter 3

You Had Me At Hello  
He couldn’t sleep. It was becoming something of a recurrent problem on this new ship of his. He’d lie awake, thinking of things which had to be done tomorrow, messages to admirals which had to be sent and then he would fall half-asleep and, at that point, would become uncomfortably aware of her presence just two decks below. All of a sudden, his cabin would become far too hot, the atmosphere far too close and he would be up and out of bed and pacing. Then, the whole process would start again.  
Tonight it was worse than usual. His mind was filled with images of the afternoon’s events, of the visit to the holodeck which had gone disastrously wrong. His gaze would wander to the Dixon Hill costume in the corner and that would remind him of the other costume, the one Beverly had worn. She’d chosen a cream suit and large hat, tilted at a rakish angle. It was a little similar to something she’d worn once before, many years ago. Had she done it deliberately? He had no doubt that she had. She was too clever for coincidences. What he couldn’t fathom was her motivation for wearing it. Could she possibly be signalling something to him? She’d certainly been keen to visit the holodeck with him and she’d seemed put out, disappointed even when Data and Whelan had joined them too. Perhaps she’d simply wanted to spend time alone with an old friend. Then again, perhaps she had entirely different motivations or perhaps he’d just been imagining things.  
There had been something in her eyes though. That, he hadn’t imagined. When he’d first seen her in that outfit, their eyes had met and he knew his own eyes had been filled with desire and he knew he’d seen the same expression mirrored in hers. It had been a moment which seemed frozen in time, where reality had been suspended for a little while and the only things in the universe were those blue eyes of hers. He’d wanted to kiss her and he knew that she would have let him, so why hadn’t he? Aside from the fact that Whelan and Data were watching of course. It had been so many years since that incident on the Stargazer. Why couldn’t they both just move on? Even as he thought it, the image of another pair of eyes rose in his mind. Jack’s this time, filled with a knowledge that he should never have had.  
With a sigh, Picard found himself out of bed and pacing once again. His fingers itched to press his commbadge, to call her up here or to go down there and see her. He could claim he had a headache or a back ache or something, anything. He just wanted to talk to her in the way that they used to talk. He’d never been able to talk with anyone else in quite the way that he could talk to Beverly. They understood each other, they always had done.  
He pulled the commbadge from his shirt and put it on a high bookshelf. The best way to avoid temptation was to remove it. Why had she worn that suit today? And why was it bothering him so much that she had? He sank down in a chair and closed his eyes, a memory rising to the surface of his thoughts as he’d known it would.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Usually Picard hated showing groups of new officers around Starfleet headquarters. The one disadvantage of his recent promotion to Lieutenant Commander was that he had to give tours. Mere Lieutenants were never asked to give tours. Today though, he was rather enjoying himself.  
The tour group had recently graduated from the Academy, so recently in fact that no one had thought to give them uniforms yet. They were following behind him nervously, not saying very much, awed to finally be allowed into Headquarters. Most of them had opted for unremarkable clothes, designed to make them blend in, not stand out. Most, but not all. At the forefront of the group was a young woman with the reddest hair he’d ever seen and the bluest eyes. She was dressed in a cream skirt and top which were startlingly bright against the grey buildings of Starfleet headquarters. There was something utterly captivating about her. She was chattering freely to her companions without a hint of nerves and, when she walked, she moved like a dancer. He was trying very hard not to stare. After all, she was a lot younger than him and it was hardly appropriate to be thinking about her in that way in this context.  
He had the feeling that she was rather enjoying the attention though. She kept smiling at him and he could have sworn that she was deliberately swaying her hips as she walked. He was very aware of her presence behind him as he led the tour group back towards the exits at the end of the tour. He risked a glance behind him, expecting to see her talking and laughing with friends, but she wasn’t. Instead, she was staring right at him. And then she winked.  
He knew that he should just turn back around and ignore her, but he didn’t. He found himself slowing until he was level with her.  
‘Enjoying the tour?’ he asked, pleased to see that she was smiling at him.  
‘There are some very interesting sights.’ Was she flirting? He eyes had certainly been lingering on him as she said it.  
‘Which was your favourite?’ He wasn’t quite sure of the game they were playing, but he was enjoying it.  
Now her eyes were definitely lingering on him. ‘I’m not sure yet, I haven’t seen everything….’  
‘Well, let me know when you decide.’  
‘I will.’  
They had reached the exits and her eyes had found his. He couldn’t look away. It was as if she could see into his very soul. He shook his head a little, not really understanding what was happening. He felt so comfortable with her and it felt so right to be near her, yet they’d only known each other for half an hour and had spoken for all of two minutes.  
She was grinning broadly at him. ‘I should go,’ she said softly, her eyes still fixed on his.  
He hated that he might never see her again, that he didn’t even know her name. ‘What are you doing this evening?’ He blurted out, all in a rush ‘Maybe we could…’ His voice trailed away as he caught the look which flashed across her face. It was almost disappointment.  
She took a deep breath as if to speak, but was interrupted by an all-too-familiar voice from behind them. ‘Beverly! Jean-Luc! I’m glad you two have met.’  
Still her eyes lingered on his. He could have sworn he saw her mouth ‘I’m sorry,’ before she turned to the man behind them. With a physical effort, Picard turned too and felt something shrivel up inside of him at the sight of the woman who had so captivated him with her arms around his best friend.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Picard sighed as he came back to the present. She’d captivated him then and she still captivated him now. He’d spent fifteen years trying and failing to ignore the fact that he was in love with her, had been in love with her ever since that first meeting. Having her on the ship was torture and yet, he still didn’t want her to leave.  
He paced the room once again and ended up gazing out of the window at the stars flashing past. He’d spent all those years convincing himself that she had no feelings for him, but, if she had no feelings for him, why had she worn that suit today and why had he seen desire in her eyes? As he stared out at the darkness of space, he realised that Beverly Crusher was by far the most challenging thing aboard this new ship of his. Mysterious space stations, alien infections and malfunctioning holodecks were nothing compared to her.


	4. Chapter 4

The Arsenal of Freedom and the Revelations of Beverly  
Fuzzy shapes hovered in a disjointed way on the edge of sight. The world was pain and pain was the world. She moaned a little and tried to look around, only to be blinded by a bright white light.  
‘SSShhh, don’t try to speak…’ The voice was familiar. She trusted it. Feeling reassured, she drifted slowly back into sleep.  
Her dreams were distorted and strange, fever dreams. She was lying on a beach, the sun warm on her skin and she was laughing with two men, one young and handsome, the other bald before his time with a deep, resonant voice. Both were speaking and she sensed a competition between them, almost as if each wanted her to pay more attention to him. She loved them both in different ways. Then the beach dissolved and hands were on her. Warm hands, gentle hands, hands which knew how to touch her. And there was the voice again, the deep, resonant voice, but this was wrong somehow, this wasn’t a memory. Or maybe part of it was a memory; the hands were real, but they shouldn’t have been connected to that voice.  
‘Beverly…’ This voice was female and it came from outside of the dreamworld. ‘Beverly, this may hurt a little…’  
Pain, white hot and burning, followed by the bliss that is the absence of pain. She was trapped in another memory now. It was a cool summer evening, undisturbed by anything louder than birdsong. Her son was sleeping upstairs and she was nearly falling asleep downstairs, thinking idle thoughts and freed from all worries. And then her whole world was shattered by the simple sound of a knock on the door. The bald man was outside, his face pale, his shoulders hunched and she knew what he would say before he spoke.  
‘Beverly, can you hear me?’ The woman’s voice was growing more urgent now. ‘Captain, she should be waking up.’  
She wanted to wake up. She didn’t want to remember anything else, but she couldn’t free herself from the images. When the bald man had finally spoken to her that night, she hadn’t said anything because there was nothing to say. They’d sat in the living room, the silence hanging heavy in the air between them, both of them hollow and broken. All of a sudden, she’d wanted to feel again, wanted to remind herself that she was still alive and she’d reached out for the man beside her, their lips had found each other with a hunger which had been long repressed, which could never have been admitted to before.  
‘Her vital signs are fluctuating….’  
Then he was pushing her off of him, not violently, but firmly. He was making excuses and leaving while she still sat, hollow once more and filled with a shame which was absolute. The grief was starting to set in now, but in amongst it was the knowledge that she’d pushed away the other man she loved.  
‘Can you stabilise her?’  
‘I’m doing everything I can.’  
She jumped forward in time. Her son was grown and the bald man was a captain aboard a starship. A starship on which she served too, she was starting to remember everything now. There had been a distress call from another ship and a planet with no people and they’d gone to the planet and been attacked. The fear was fresh in her mind. She’d run through the jungle, the bald man behind her and then she’d fallen, feet and hands scrambling for purchase where there was none. The earth where she’d landed had been hard and cold and she’d been injured. The bald man had helped her and she’d seen such fear in his eyes when he looked at her.  
‘Beverly…’ She was confused now between the dream and reality. The voice was his in the dream, but it was here beside her too. She felt her mind and her body connect once again and, this time, when she opened her eyes, she wasn’t blinded.  
‘Jean-Luc,’ she whispered, and there he was, sat beside her, looking just as pale as he had that other time. ‘Are you alright?’  
He seemed to find that funny. ‘Am I alright? Beverly, I’m not the one who’s just been unconscious for nearly four hours.’  
Four hours. She couldn’t have been unconscious for four hours. Wait, did that mean that he’s been sitting there for four hours?  
‘I couldn’t leave you,’ he said in response to the question which she hadn’t asked.  
‘Thank you,’ she said, meaning it.  
‘You gave me quite a scare.’  
‘Well, I don’t like to be boring.’  
He laughed again and she found herself looking into his eyes and remembering how it felt when she’d kissed him, all those years ago. Instantly, she felt that old guilt wash over her. Kissing him, being with him was a betrayal of Jack. She looked away.  
‘Beverly…’ his voice was soft. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…’  
‘Captain,’ the nurse’s voice interrupted him and Beverly was relieved. She didn’t want to hear the rest of that sentence, she knew it would only complicate things.  
‘Captain,’ the nurse said again. Picard looked at her, an expression of annoyance flitting across his face. ‘Lieutenant LaForge says that we’re just about to reconnect with the Saucer section.’  
Picard glanced at the nurse and then back at Beverly, clearly torn.  
‘You should go,’ Beverly’s voice was shaking and she wasn’t sure why.  
He stood to leave and then turned back to her ‘Have lunch with me,’ he said so quietly that only she could hear.  
‘Ok,’ she whispered back, hating the way her heart jumped when he smiled. She watched him until he was through the door and out of sight.  
Her heart was jumping even more now. She knew exactly what would happen if they went to lunch together. She’d hoped when she came aboard the ship that they could just be friends, but she knew now that that would never be the case. After all, they’d never really just been friends in the first place. There had always been an undercurrent of something else, something deeper. They’d never acted on it, but she still felt as though she’d betrayed Jack on some level, even if that betrayal was only in her heart, her mind.  
She turned over onto her side, deep in thought. It had been a mistake to come aboard the Enterprise, to invite temptation like that. She could never betray Jack by being with Jean-Luc and it was wrong of her to constantly taunt Jean-Luc with her presence. She closed her eyes, her decision made; it was time for her to leave the Enterprise.


	5. Chapter 5

The Evolution of Something  
He paces nervously, unsure whether or not this was a good idea. He was too forward last year, he pushed her away and he doesn’t want to do it again. He will settle for just being friends because having her near in any way is a whole lot better than not having her near at all.  
‘Computer, time.’  
‘The time is 07:15 hours.’  
He asked her to come at 07:00. Perhaps she is merely late or perhaps she has decided not to come. He takes a deep breath, trying to convince himself that it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t come. Having breakfast together would be a nice way to start the day, but he’ll see her anyway at the morning meeting. Seeing her now or not seeing her now doesn’t matter at all.  
But he knows that it does matter.  
She’d been back on board for a week before he’d plucked up the courage to talk to her and then, when she’d come to ask him about Wesley yesterday, he’d taken it as a sign that she wanted to spend more time together, so he’d asked her to come to his quarters for breakfast. Not lunch or dinner or anything which could be construed as a date, just two old friends having breakfast together with no strings attached. Now he was regretting asking her. He should have let her take the lead in the relationship or at least suggested that they had breakfast somewhere more public like Ten Forward, not hidden away in his quarters like lovers.  
Lovers. Where had that thought come from? They could never be lovers.  
‘Computer, time.’   
‘The time is 07:19.’  
That was it. She wasn’t coming. He begins to clear away the breakfast things, trying to ignore the aching feeling deep inside his chest. Then his heart gives a leap as he hears the door chime. He hastily replaces the breakfast things on the table and tries to look nonchalant.  
‘Come.’ Why does his voice sound unsteady?  
The sight of her takes his breath away as it always does. She looks flustered and her hair has a windswept look, despite the absence of wind on a starship.  
‘Jean-Luc, I’m so sorry I’m late. Life back on Earth didn’t include quite so many early mornings and I’m still getting used to them.’  
‘It’s alright, you’re not late.’ He pulls out a chair for her at the breakfast table and she sits. He stands awkwardly behind her, unsure of what to do.  
‘Well, aren’t you going to join me?’ Her eyes are sparkling. She is teasing him like she used to all those years ago.  
‘Yes, yes, of course.’ But where to sit? Opposite her would be formal, next to her would be intimate. Why didn’t he think this through before?  
As if she can read his thoughts, she pours coffee into two cups and puts one down deliberately opposite her. He sits gratefully and takes a sip of the scalding coffee. He still feels awkward.  
She has helped herself to croissant, so he does too. For a moment, there is silence.  
‘Do you remember that café?’ She asks ‘in San Francisco, by the Academy, where we used to go for lunch sometimes.’  
Of course he does. It had been their place. They’d gone there every day for an entire summer when Jack had been away on a deep space assignment and left the two of them on Earth. That had been the best summer of Picard’s life. ‘Yes,’ he says ‘I remember.’  
‘I missed our lunches after you left on the Stargazer.’  
‘I did too.’ He feels more relaxed now. Her mention of the café had been like a tonic to him, had slowed his racing heart. It had reminded him of just how well they got on as friends, how perfect they were for each other. He suspects that this is exactly what she intended and is rather impressed by her cleverness.  
‘Beverly…’ He starts to say.  
At the same time, she says ‘Jean-Luc…’  
They laugh and the tension between them eases even more. ‘Ladies first.’ He says with a smile.  
‘Last year, I think I was a little strange with you. I didn’t mean to be and I don’t know why I was.’  
‘I was a little strange with you too. I suppose it was only to be expected. We hadn’t seen each other for such a long time…’  
‘Far too long.’  
‘Far too long indeed,’ he agrees.  
She puts down her coffee cup and regards him seriously. ‘Do you think we can go back to how we were in San Francisco? I’d like it if we could. I’d never had a friend quite like you before.’  
‘What do you mean?’ His heart is racing again.  
‘Someone I felt so at home with, so myself with. You just understand me, Jean-Luc, like no one else ever has.’  
He swallows down his disappointment. What had he been expecting her to say, that she loved him? He knew she wouldn’t ever say that. And what she had said ought to have been enough. It was enough. ‘I would very much like to go back to how things were.’ He paused and then added ‘You were my best friend, Beverly and the Enterprise didn’t feel right without you last year.’  
She keeps her eyes fixed on his, but he looks away, hoping that he hasn’t said too much again, pushed her away again. He senses rather than sees her smile and looks back up at her with relief.  
‘Deanna said you were rather moody.’ Her tone is light.  
‘I wouldn’t say I was moody exactly…’  
‘Dr. Pulaski said you were too, when she came back to Starfleet Medical.’  
‘Dr. Pulaski and I…had our differences.’  
She laughed at that and the atmosphere between them lightened at once.  
‘Deanna said you were bored without me.’ Now she was definitely teasing.  
‘I wasn’t bored…’  
‘You made her go horse riding with you.’  
‘And she was a very poor substitute for you. She refused to actually get on the horse.’  
‘Well, how about we go riding this evening? I promise I’ll canter and everything.’  
‘Will you gallop?’  
‘I don’t know about that. We have to draw the line somewhere.’  
Picard felt as light as air. The old banter was back as though it had never gone away. He grinned at Beverly over the top of his coffee cup and she grinned back.  
‘I think we should make these breakfasts a regular thing,’ he says.  
‘So do I,’ she agreed, taking a bite of her croissant.


	6. Chapter 6

View From the High Ground

Avoiding Jean-Luc was proving to be easier than she’d anticipated. The second they’d arrived back on the ship, she’d fled to sickbay on the pretence of filing urgent reports and then she hadn’t emerged from her office for several hours. He hadn’t tried to contact her and she’d simply failed to turn up on the bridge at the end of her shift as she usually did. Now, she was sneaking back to her quarters, taking a roundabout deserted route which didn’t involve turbolifts. She still wasn’t sure how she was going to get out of breakfast in the morning.  
She knew that it was stupid to be acting like this. After all, she’d only nearly told him how she felt, she hadn’t actually said anything. Maybe he wouldn’t have picked up on anything unusual, maybe she was the only one feeling embarrassed or maybe, just maybe, he was avoiding her as well.  
She arrived back in her quarters without meeting anyone at all and breathed a sigh of relief. Wesley was out with friends and the room was filled with a kind of deafening silence. It was the kind of silence which encouraged one to think and, foremost in her thoughts was Jean-Luc. Why had she started to tell him of her feelings? She should have realised that she’d feel horribly awkward afterwards, that the two of them could never work as a couple.  
Or could they? They spent so much time together already and were never bored of each other’s company and there was definitely a spark, an attraction between them, there always had been. There was just something about Jean-Luc which drew her in, ensnared her, tangled her up inside so that she couldn’t pull away.  
With a sigh, she sank down onto the sofa, wondering, not for the first time, what it would be like to have Jean-Luc waiting for her here when she came home at the end of each day. She imagined how it would feel to have his strong arms wrapped around her, to hear his deep, baritone voice, soft and resonant against her ear. Maybe she should tell him how she felt after all…  
‘Troi to Crusher.’  
The counsellor’s voice startled Beverly so much that she jumped and almost slid off the sofa. ‘Crusher here,’ she managed to stammer whilst regaining her hold on the sofa.  
‘I was just wondering if you wanted to come over for a bit. I feel like having some company tonight.’  
‘Sure. On my way. Crusher out.’  
Beverly had been expecting Deanna’s call. The empath could probably sense her confusion from several decks away and, whenever, Deanna called anyone and said she felt like she needed company, it meant that she was concerned about them. Beverly didn’t particularly want to talk through her feelings, but anything which distracted her from fantasising about Jean-Luc was probably a good thing at this point.  
She mentally planned the most indirect, least populated route possible to Deanna’s quarters and made her furtive way across the ship. She was pretty sure that Jean-Luc would still be on the bridge and, even if he wasn’t, he would have little reason to be frequenting deck ten.  
Deanna was in full-on counselling mode when Beverly arrived. The empath was dressed in a flowing white dress, deliberately designed to put others at ease. Her hair was loose about her shoulders in its least threatening style and there was a reassuring smile on her face. She guided Beverly to the most comfortable chair in the room and pressed a cup of hot chocolate into her hand.  
‘I’ve had a very stressful day,’ she said.  
Inwardly, Beverly smiled. She knew this trick. Psychologists were taught to encourage their patients to speak by offering information about themselves.  
‘Really,’ Beverly said, playing along. ‘Why was it stressful?’  
‘I’ve had an old friend staying and we found we didn’t have as much in common as we used to. It was a little awkward being trapped together.’  
Beverly couldn’t help herself – she laughed.  
‘Beverly?’ Deanna had put down her hot chocolate and looked as if she was only a second away from picking up a notebook and starting to take notes.  
‘Deanna, if you want to know how Jean-Luc and I coped being trapped together on the planet, you can just ask.’  
Now Deanna was smiling too. ‘Clearly my methods are too transparent for the former head of Starfleet Medical.’  
‘They do say that doctors make the worst patients.’  
‘Alright then,’ Deanna said, lacing her fingers together and regarding Beverly thoughtfully ‘How did you cope?’  
‘To be honest I was concentrating more on the armed terrorists than on Jean-Luc…’  
‘Beverly…’ There was a warning note in Deanna’s voice. The two women were close, but Deanna often grew frustrated with Beverly’s reluctance to share her feelings with anyone.  
‘It was fine, Deanna.’ Nothing would have made her tell the empath about how she’d nearly confessed to having feelings for him which she didn’t yet fully understand.  
‘It wasn’t at all awkward, frustrating or embarrassing?’  
‘No.’  
‘Tedious, pleasant, thought-provoking?’  
‘No.’  
‘I know you’re lying.’  
‘I know you know.’ Beverly grinned at her friend.  
‘I can see why you and the captain get on so well. You’re both stubborn. Seriously though, Beverly, what happened down there? I know something did.’  
For a moment, Beverly was tempted to tell Deanna everything, to reveal her long hidden feelings about Picard. Then, just as suddenly as they’d come down, her emotional walls went back up. ‘Nothing happened, Deanna. Jean-Luc and I are just friends.’  
‘You’re both idiots.’  
‘Sorry?’  
‘Nothing. How about we switch to something a little stronger than hot chocolate?’  
‘Now that, Counsellor, is a good idea.’  
Deanna stood up and disappeared into the next room, leaving Beverly alone. Feeling a little unsettled by Deanna’s questions, Beverly began to look around her. She’d never really looked around Deanna’s quarters before even though she’d been inside them many times. There was a lot of pink, too much pink really, and everything was very calm, designed to reassure. A stack of PADDs on the table caught her eye and she picked one up, intrigued by what Deanna might be reading in her spare time. To her surprise, she found that it wasn’t a novel at all, it was a crew evaluation form for none other than Jean-Luc.  
Beverly hastily dropped the PADD back onto the table. Anything which Deanna had written about Jean-Luc was none of her business. She looked away, at a far corner of the room, hoping for distraction, but none was to be found. Her fingers were itching to pick up the PADD again. Almost without thinking, she did so, looking at it as though in a trance or a dream. She scrolled down, skim reading details about him which she already knew. Then something caught her eye: Captain Picard is a man who needs his own space. He is suited to living alone and has wisely chosen to remain single. Suddenly, Beverly didn’t want to read any more. She put the PADD back on the table and did her best to smile as Deanna came back in.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several hours and more than one bottle of synthehol later, Beverly found herself in a turbolift heading back to her quarters. She felt the lift slow down to stop, felt a surge of annoyance at the fact that she would have to make awkward conversation with someone when she just wanted to go to bed, then, she felt a surge of something else when the lift doors opened and Jean-Luc stepped inside.  
He smiled at her, his eyes full of warmth. She tried not to stare.  
‘Hi you,’ she said, the synthehol doing strange things to her sense of social boundaries.  
‘Hi,’ he said back, perhaps a little surprised by the familiarity of her greeting. He looked her up and down, taking in her slightly unfocused expression. ‘Good night?’  
‘Really good…’ Her voice trailed off. She was all too aware now of just how alone they were in the lift. She took a step closer to him and her eyes found his. She saw a depth of feeling in them which she hadn’t expected.  
She took another step closer. Mere inches separated them now. She could close that distance so easily, so quickly. In a millisecond, less than that, she could be pressed against him.  
‘Beverly?’ He seemed confused by how close she was standing, but he hadn’t moved away.  
Without thinking, she draped her arms around his neck, rested her head on his shoulder. For a moment he stood stiffly without moving and then his arms came up and were around her waist, stroking her back.   
‘Beverly, are you alright?’  
‘I just wanted to be held.’ As soon as she said it, she realised it was true.  
‘I’m here,’ he whispered, his face close to her ear. ‘I’m always here.’  
‘I know.’  
‘Beverly,’ he hesitated for a moment as though unsure of what to say. ‘Earlier, down on the planet, you said you had something to tell me. What was it?’  
She took a breath, wanting to say all she’d been meaning to, but something stopped her. The words she’d seen on Deanna’s PADD seemed to be glowing before her eyes. He’d chosen to be single. He didn’t want to be with her. If she told him how she felt, she’d scare him away, she’d lose his friendship and she didn’t think she could stand that. She pressed herself against him more closely.  
‘It was nothing important,’ she said.


	7. Chapter 7

Captain’s Holiday: Take Two

Jean-Luc was following her around, she was sure of it. Everywhere she turned, there he was. They’d seen each other for breakfast as usual and she’d mentioned the conference on Kirdana III face had seemed to fall like a child who’d had his favourite toy confiscated. Since then, she hadn’t been able to shake him. He’d called a staff meeting for the most tenuous of reasons, asked her to stay behind to talk about crew evaluations (which were Deanna’s job), found excuses to visit her in sickbay three times and then asked her to come to the bridge because he needed her input (he didn’t).  
And now he was in her quarters, perched awkwardly on the edge of her desk while he watched her pack.  
‘How long will you be gone again?’ he asked a little plaintively.  
‘Just a week,’ was her reply in the tone she would use to placate a child.  
‘I’ve heard Kirdana’s lovely at this time of year.’ His voice held a wistful tone.  
‘Quite lovely.’  
‘Some people prefer it to Risa.’ He left the words hanging in the air and Beverly suddenly understood.  
‘Jean-Luc,’ she said, standing, hands on hips, an expression of mock exasperation on her face. ‘Do you want to come with me?’  
‘I wouldn’t want to intrude.’  
She smiled then ‘You wouldn’t be. I did just say you needed a holiday and I’m not sure that trip to Risa counts given everything that happened.’  
‘You’re sure you wouldn’t mind?’  
‘It would be lovely to have you.’  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
And that was how she ended up lying on a beach on Kirdana III with her captain stretched out beside her, half-asleep, with a book propped open on his chest. She was drowsy herself. The afternoon’s conference schedule had been gruelling. She allowed herself to be soothed by the warmth of the sun on her skin and the gentle sound of the waves lapping on the shore.  
‘Dr Crusher,’ a shadow fell across her face and a voice cut through the stillness of the beach.  
‘Dr Gaius,’ she said, pushing herself up into a sitting position and shading her eyes with a hand. In front of her was one of the other conference delegates, one who had been particularly persistent in his attempts to befriend her,  
‘I was just wondering if you might join me for dinner?’ he asked.  
Beverly desperately searched for an excuse. Gaius had a reputation for being the most boring man this side of the Gamma Quadrant. Beside her, Jean-Luc was stirring, awakened from his slumber. At the sight of him, inspiration struck.  
‘I’m afraid I’m having dinner with Jean-Luc tonight,’ she said, sweet as honey. ‘We’re using the conference as an excuse for a romantic getaway.’  
At the word ‘romantic’, Jean-Luc’s eyes had flown open and he was staring at her in surprise. She crossed her fingers behind her back, hoping he’d have the sense not to say anything.   
‘I didn’t know that you and the Captain…?’ Gaius was turning a deep shade of crimson.  
‘Oh yes,’ Beverly said. ‘We’ve been together for a couple of years now.’  
‘I’m, er, I’m sorry to intrude,’ Gaius mumbled before walking hastily away.  
‘Apparently there have been some developments in our relationship I wasn’t aware of,’ Jean-Luc said, his eyes sparkling with amusement.  
‘I’m sorry, Jean-Luc, but he’s the most awful man. I couldn’t have dinner with him and…’  
Jean-Luc placed a hand over hers. ‘I’m happy to be your excuse,’ he said.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
As well as being boring, Gaius turned out to be a terrible gossip and soon everyone they met was congratulating them on their relationship. Beverly got the distinct impression that Jean-Luc was thoroughly enjoying the whole thing. At any rate, he was certainly playing up to it; his hand kept finding its way to her elbow, to the small of her back. And she found herself relaxing into his touch, amazed at how natural it felt.  
At the end of the evening, they made their way through the crowded corridors of the hotel to their rooms which were next door to each other, and here they found themselves faced with a new dilemma. The corridor was full of conference guests, all of whom were smiling at them in recognition and greeting. At this point, separate rooms would have seemed suspicious.  
‘You’d better come in,’ Beverly said quietly, entering the keycode to open the door to her room. ‘Maybe things will quieten down later and you can sneak out.’  
Picard shook his head. ‘I thought my sneaking days were over when I became captain of the Federation flagship.’  
Beverly flashed him a smile. ‘Remember James T Kirk was once captain of that ship. I’m fairly sure he did his fair share of sneaking out of women’s hotel rooms late at night.’  
‘At least I’m in good company.’ Picard followed her inside and the door hissed closed behind them.  
‘Nightcap?’ Beverly asked.  
‘Please.’ Picard sat down on her sofa as she got them drinks from the replicator. He looked uncomfortable, as though there was something playing on his mind.  
She regarded him quizzically and then said ‘out with it, Jean-Luc.’  
He looked down at the ground and then finally back up at her. ‘I don’t know how much you heard about my time on Risa.’ He said.  
‘It sounded like it was eventful.’  
‘There was a woman, Vash. She and I…’  
Now it was Beverly’s time to look at the ground. ‘I’d heard,’ she said softly. She had heard and then had promptly tried to forget all about it. The thought of Jean-Luc with someone else was far more unpleasant than she cared to admit. She knew she had no right to be bothered by it; they weren’t actually in a relationship, but she was bothered. She was very bothered indeed.  
‘Beverly…’  
She looked up and Jean-Luc was staring at her, the saddest expression on his face. ‘Vash and I…’  
‘It’s none of my business.’  
He ploughed on anyway. ‘It didn’t mean anything. I just wanted you to know that it didn’t mean anything.’  
‘You’re not in love with her.’  
‘No,’ he said in a very definite tone of voice.  
For some reason her heart suddenly felt a whole lot lighter. ‘Thank you for telling me,’ she said.  
There was an awkward pause then as far too many feeling clogged the air between them. ‘How about a game of chess?’ Picard asked at least in a desperate attempt to change the subject. She nodded, pleased to have an excuse to get up and fetch the board.   
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Several hours and three closely fought games later, Beverly returned from the replicator with a fresh round of drinks to find her captain had fallen asleep where he sat. In surprise, she checked the chronometer and saw that it was 03:00 hours. She put the drinks down, carefully pulled a blanket over him and made her way into the bedroom.  
She was awoken a little later by movement from the living room.  
‘Jean-Luc?’ she called.  
‘Did I fall asleep?’ he asked, coming to stand in the doorway of the bedroom.  
She nodded sleepily and he flushed with embarrassment. ‘I should go…’ he said.  
Drowsiness seemed to have lowered her inhibitions because she found herself reaching out a hand to him. ‘Someone might see you,’ she said.  
He hesitated. ‘I suppose I could sleep on the sofa.’  
She shook her head. ‘Sleep here. It’s a big bed.’  
‘Beverly…’  
‘I’d feel guilty if I was in here in this giant bed by myself and you were curled up on the tiny sofa.’  
‘I’m not sure…’  
‘Please, Jean-Luc.’  
Hesitantly, he started to move towards her. ‘You’re sure you don’t mind?’  
‘Not at all,’ and to emphasize her point, she shifted across the bed slightly to make room for him. He climbed in beside her and, without really thinking, she turned onto her side, resting her head on his shoulder.  
‘Goodnight, Jean-Luc,’ she whispered.  
‘Goodnight, Beverly.’  
The next night, by an unspoken agreement, he slept in her room again.


	8. Chapter 8

‘The Worst of All Worlds’

She lingered in the hallway outside his quarters, a glass of Aunt Adele’s warm milk in her hands. She was half ready for bed; hair loose around her shoulders, uniform swapped for a long jacket and a comfortable dress. She’d been half in bed when she’d made the decision to come here. Jean-Luc hadn’t asked for help – he never would – but she’d sort of sensed it from three decks below.  
She’d marched up here with absolute certainty that he needed her, only now she wasn’t so sure. What if she was overreacting? What if he was fine? He hated it when people interfered. She’d raised her hand to press the chime to his quarters, but now she hesitated. He’d seemed distracted in the briefing this morning and he hadn’t spoken with her all day, but maybe he was just busy. She half turned away, ready to return to her own quarters when a dull thud on the other side of the door made her pause.  
Her hand pressed the chime of its own accord, but there was no reply.  
‘Computer, location of Captain Picard.’  
‘Captain Picard is in his quarters.’  
She pressed the chime again and, when there still wasn’t a response, she used her medical access codes to force the doors to slide open, and there he was, standing in the middle of the room, the remains of a glass which had clearly just been thrown at the wall at his feet.  
‘Jean-Luc?’ she said.  
When he turned to face her, there was an expression like none she’d ever seen before on his face. There was something twisted there, almost animalistic. It lasted for the briefest of moments, but it was long enough for it to be forever ingrained in her memory.  
‘Beverly,’ he said, almost managing to keep his voice calm. ‘I think I need to be by myself for a while.’  
‘I thought you might want to talk about it,’ she said, lamely. How did one talk about becoming a Borg? It was too horrific to contemplate.  
‘If I need to talk, I’ll call Deanna.’  
She was taken aback. He’d never used that tone with her before. ‘Jean-Luc…’  
‘Beverly.’ There was something like desperation in his voice now. ‘Please go.’  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Of course she didn’t sleep when she went back to her own quarters. She lay and worried and turned the events of the past week over and over in her mind. And she kept replaying how the Captain had told her to leave and she started to fear that she’d done something wrong. And then she cursed herself for being selfish; she should be worrying about him, not about herself. Nothing bad had happened to her.  
And so it continued. Three days of not having breakfast together, three days of morning meetings where he wouldn’t look at her, three days without being called to his Ready Room. Three days without the taste of Earl Grey, without Shakespeare, without a dinner companion. Only in his absence did she realise just how much time she spent with him, how she needed him. She found herself storing up anecdotes to tell him at a later date and then crying in the darkest hours of the night in case there was no later date, in case this was it and he wanted nothing more to do with her and then she hated herself for being so pathetic.  
On the evening of the fourth day, the chime to her quarters sounded.   
‘Come in,’ she said, forcing herself to believe that it was Will or Deanna or Geordi so that she wouldn’t be disappointed.  
But it was Jean-Luc who stepped into the room, his face unshaven, his off-duty clothes dishevelled. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ he said. ‘I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what to do.’  
Her first impulse had been one of anger for the three days of silence, but now, at the sight of him, her anger vanished. Instead, she stood and took him by the hands to pull him into the room. Once he was far enough inside for the door to slide shut behind him, she reached up and drew him into a hug. He seemed to collapse against her, as though he wasn’t strong enough to stand up alone anymore.  
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured. ‘I’m sorry I shut you out. I didn’t want you to see me like this. I could take anyone but you seeing me like this.’  
‘Jean-Luc, why? You know that I’ll always want to help you.’  
‘Because I couldn’t let you down like this.’  
She stepped back from him, shocked by the emotion in his voice. ‘You’re not letting me down.’  
‘I should be strong, I should be coping.’ Tears had sprung into his eyes and she could see him try to blink them away.  
‘It’s ok,’ she whispered. ‘A terrible thing happened to you.’  
She took him by the hand and led him over to the sofa. They sat, knee to knee and she kept hold of his hands. ‘You’re so strong, you always have been, but sometimes showing emotion is the strong thing to do.’  
That prompted a small smile. ‘You sounds like Deanna.’  
‘Have you talked to Deanna? It might help.’  
He shook his head and then the tears were pouring down his cheeks. She took him in her arms and pulled him close to her so that she was cradling his head and rocking him like she’d rocked Wesley when he was younger. There was silence for a moment, broken only by the sound of Jean-Luc’s sobs.  
‘I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away,’ he said at last.  
‘I understand,’ she murmured ‘you don’t need to apologise, not to me, not ever.’  
‘I couldn’t stand if you were angry with me. You’re so precious to me, Beverly.’  
That statement hung in the air between them, but she didn’t question it or wonder what it meant, not now, not with so much raw emotion in the room. Besides, it was a statement of fact. Some time ago now, she’d realised that whatever was between them had gone far beyond the bounds of friendship.  
‘I’m not angry,’ she said. ‘I just hate to see you hurting.’  
‘I feel like I’m still there, like I’m still on the cube, like the nanoprobes are still inside me.’  
‘They’re gone. I took them out.’  
‘I know, I know, but I still feel it. And I attacked my own ship, Beverly. I fired on a ship which had you on board.’  
‘It wasn’t you. It was Locutus.’  
‘What if something had happened? What if my actions had harmed you?’  
She pulled him in even closer to her, dropping a kiss on his forehead. ‘They didn’t. I’m here, you’re here and Locutus is gone.’  
His sobs were subsiding now and he looked up at her. ‘I’m not very good at talking about my feelings, but our friendship means everything to me, Beverly. I just need you to know that.’  
She smiled and reached out to trace the lines of his jaw with her hand. ‘Likewise, mon capitanne.’   
For a moment, their eyes locked and then Jean-Luc looked away and stifled a yawn. Immediately Beverly was back in doctor mode. ‘When was the last time you slept?’  
He shrugged. ‘Properly? Before Locutus. I just keep getting awful nightmares.’  
‘Come on,’ Beverly stood and pulled him to his feet behind her. Then she led him towards the bedroom.  
‘What are you doing?’ He asked.  
‘Sometimes nightmares go away if you’re not sleeping alone.’  
‘Beverly…?’ There was a question in his voice.  
‘What are you scared of?’ she asked, only half teasing.  
He didn’t reply, but he did follow her towards the bed. After all, he’d slept beside her happily enough when they’d been on Kirdana III.  
They lay down next to each, not touching, and then, on an impulse, Beverly rolled over so she was facing away from him, then reached behind her and grabbed his arm, wrapping it around her middle so they were effectively spooning. For a moment, he hesitated and lay behind her stiffly, not touching.  
‘It’s ok, Jean-Luc,’ she said ‘I don’t bite.’  
‘You really think this will help with the nightmares?’  
‘Doctor’s orders.’  
‘Then who am I to disobey?’ And with that, he pressed fully into her back and wrapped his arms around her waist.   
Within seconds, she heard the rhythm of his breathing change as he settled into a deep and dreamless sleep. As for her, she lay awake long into the night just savouring the delicious warmth of him lying beside her.


	9. Chapter 9

Remember Her

 

07:00 - Beverly sitting at the breakfast table as he emerges from his bedroom. She has used her access codes to gain entry to his quarters. He doesn't mind.

07:05 - She reaches for a croissant, delicate fingers outstretched.

 

07:07 - He's pouring her coffee.

 

07:12 - They're laughing as she tells him about how she had to play vet to Data's beloved cat.

 

07:17 - They're remembering snatches of that poem Data wrote about his cat.

 

07:30 - Her face is serious now and she asks him about the Borg incident. he is honest with her - the flashbacks are still there, but the knowledge that she's sleeping three decks away brings him all the comfort he needs.

 

07:31 - He remembers the feel of her in his arms as they slept side by side.

 

07:32 - She sees the faraway look on his face and smiles a knowing smile.

 

07:40 - They laugh again, thinking of a joke which is twenty years old and which they first heard in high summer on a Parisian street.

 

07:45 - Side by side, they walk down the corridor outside his quarters, entirely professional. And yet not because she's still grinning at him.

 

07:50 - He feels a very real sense of loss and she leaves him in the turbolift to go to her own duty station.

 

07:55 - The space next to him is empty and all he feels is the absence of her.

 

08:00 - Riker gives the morning report and his mind switches to work, but not fully, never fully. There's always a red-haired shadow in there somewhere.

 

09:00 - Beverly's eyes lock with his over the glass table in the Observation Lounge. Geordi's giving some kind of presentation on wormholes, but he's drowning in those eyes opposite.

 

09:15 - She calls him 'Jean-Luc' in front of everyone and he shivers at the familiarity of it.

 

09:17 - He realises that no one else thought her use of his first name had been unusual.

 

10:04 - After the meeting, he stays in the Observation Lounge for a moment and her scent hangs in the air.

 

11:18 - He finds a reason to call sickbay. A nebulous reason, but a reason nonetheless, and he relishes the sound of her voice over the comm.

 

12:00 - Outside the door of her office, he hesitates. What if she's busy.

 

12:10 - She's found him and they sit on either side of her desk eating bowls of Plomeek soup.

 

13:15 - He's running late. He should have been back on the bridge ten minutes ago, but he doesn't care. He's the Captain. No one will say anything. He is shocked by this thought even as he has it.

 

14:23 - This time, she finds a reason to call him.

 

16:12 - She's on the bridge now, seated in Deanna's chair, reading reports which she could easily have read in her own office. They don't speak, but the nearness of her is everything.

 

17:00 - She stands to leave and flashes him a grin as she does so.

 

17:10 - he's thinking about that smile and he can't stand to stay on the bridge for a moment longer.

 

17:11 - She is waiting for him in the turbolift.

 

18:00 - They're in Yosemite National Park on Earth, mounted on holographic horses.

 

18:30 - She's laughing, her head thrown back in the breeze.

 

19:30 - She races him and she's winning, her palomino horse drawing ahead of his black one.

 

20:30 - Back in the 23rd Century, they're in his quarters again, trying one of Worf's Klingon dishes. The food is unpleasant, the company is all he's ever wished for.

 

22:00 - Beverly says goodnight and kisses him on the cheek before returning to her own quarters.

 

Last Tuesday, approximately 14:00 - Beverly escaped from her own private universe in which she'd been trapped. He hugged her in front of fifty engineers.

 

Today, 22:04 - He realises that she is his universe.


	10. Chapter 10

Never the Final Mission’

He has maybe an hour of blissful anonymity before a senior guy looks over at him and then says to his friends ‘Look, it’s Picard’s kid!’ Wesley blushes bright red and turns away. He’s been talking to Jenna Harrison, one of the girls who lives in his building and they’ve been getting on fine. Now she’s looking at him differently. ‘Are you the boy genius?’ she asks.

‘No, no, not a genius,’ he stammers. She has soft brown hair and gentle eyes and he wants her to like him very much.

‘But you were on the Enterprise?’ She persists. ‘They let you fly the ship.’

How did she know that? He starts to mumble an excuse, but the senior guy has come over now ‘Well, he is the Captain’s kid,’ he says. ‘If my Dad was a Captain, I bet I would have got to fly the ship too.’

‘My parents aren’t even in Starfleet,’ and just like that, Jenna’s talking to the other guys, not to him. Once again, he’s the weird kid, the boy genius, the loser with no friends.

Later, that same week, in his first exobiology class, a kid called Tom Paris sidles over to him. It’s common knowledge that Paris’ dad is an Admiral and that Paris is a bit of a disappointment. He’s had to apply three times before getting a place at the Academy. And there are rumours now that he only got the place because of who his father is.

‘Reckon you and me should stick together,’ Paris says.

‘Why do you reckon that?’ Wesley asks.

‘We’re both getting the fallout for having fathers in high places. I could sure use an ally round here and I think you could too.’

Wesley is so happy to have found a potential friend that it’s not until much later that he considers Paris’ words and then remembers what Jenna had said days earlier. Does everyone here think that he’s Captain Picard’s son?

The next day, he’s in a survival skills class being taught by a Lieutenant Sisko who seems to criticise him more than the other students. Wesley knows that this isn’t fair; he’s been on Away Missions, he’s had far more survival experience than everyone else. He knows he’s ace-ing the class. Sisko’s treatment of him is so unfair that he raises it with his personal tutor later in the day. His tutor simply sighs and mutters that Sisko lost his wife at Wolf 359.

Wesley knows all about Wolf 359. He saw the aftermath from the deck of the Enterprise, but he doesn’t see what Sisko’s wife has to do with him.

‘It’s hard for him,’ the tutor explains. ‘It’s hard for him to teach Picard’s son when Picard’s actions as Locutus left his own son motherless.’

‘I’m not Picard’s son,’ is all Wesley can say to that.

The tutor eyes him sceptically. ‘Stepson then?’

Wesley shakes his head. ‘He and my mother aren’t…’ And then his voice trails off and he realises that he can’t finish the sentence without running the risk of lying to his tutor. ‘Tell Lieutenant Sisko that I’m sorry for his loss,’ he says finally and then leaves.

On the way back to his quarters he considers his family. He’s not close to his mother He never has been really. They’re very different people. They get on fine, but they don’t have much in common. He almost doesn’t expect her to tell him the details of her personal life. He’s not exactly close to Picard either – certainly not as close as he was with Geordi and Data and the others in Engineering – but Picard has always made an effort with him in spite of his dislike of youth in general. He thinks back to his first day on the Enterprise, to how brusque Picard had been with him, until the moment that he realised whose son he was. At the time, Wesley had assumed that Picard’s change of heart had come from his friendship with Wesley’s father. Now he was starting to wonder if it had instead been driven by feelings for his mother. And Wesley wasn’t sure he liked that idea, couldn’t help feeling that that would be a betrayal of his father

Once back in his quarters, almost without thinking, Wesley calls Picard. To his surprise, the Captain answers right away, the familiar backdrop of his Ready Room visible behind him on the viewscreen.

‘Wesley!’ Picard says. ‘What a pleasant surprise. You caught me just in time – we were about to move out of comm range.’

Suddenly Wesley is filled with an anger he can’t control ‘Everyone here thinks I’m your son,’ he says.

It is clear that Picard doesn’t really know how to take this. ‘An easy mistake to make I suppose,’ he says. ‘You have been on the Enterprise for a long time now and I’ve known you since you were small.’

‘An easy mistake to make,’ Wesley says, each word dripping with rage now ‘when everyone in Starfleet thinks you’re sleeping with my mother.’

‘Wesley, that’s not true…’

But Wesley isn’t listening. ‘Do you love her?’ he says, words like daggers.

Picard hesitates, then takes a deep breath and nods.

‘And did you love her when my father was alive?’

Another pause. Another nod. The words hang heavy in the air between them. ‘Wesley…’ Picard says after a moment.

‘I don’t want to hear it.’ And, with that, Wesley shuts off the comm link. Later, he sends a message to Lieutenant Sisko clarifying that he isn’t Picard’s son. Later still, when his anger has abated a little, he realises that this isn’t entirely true.


	11. Chapter 11

'The Imperfect Mate'

Picard gripped the bottle of wine in one hand and the bunch of flowers in the other. Wine and flowers. It was a cliché, but it might just work. He hated it when she was angry with him and she was definitely angry with him. He hadn’t seen her since Kamala left.  
Awkwardly balancing the wine and the flowers, he pressed the chime on her quarters with his elbow and then hastily tried to re-arrange himself into a position which was approaching dignified. There was a long silence on the other side of the door.  
‘Computer, location of Dr. Crusher,’ maybe she wasn’t in. He hadn’t thought to check.  
‘Dr. Crusher is in her quarters.’  
Then again, maybe she just wasn’t speaking to him.  
He pressed the chime again, deciding to wait for five minutes and then leave. Perhaps it would be best to give her some time to cool off.   
There was silence from the other side of the door again, followed by a couple of muffled thuds and a high-pitched giggle. Suddenly, he wasn’t so sure he wanted to know what was going on in there. A number of attractive young officers had just transferred from the Ariadne and Beverly had been looking restless recently...  
He had just turned to walk away when the door began to slide open. He had no choice but to stay and face whatever was inside now. Taking a deep breath, he braced himself for the sight of a scantily clad young lieutenant or similar. Instead, he was greeted with nothing at all. The door seemed to have opened of its own accord. Then he felt something tugging on his trousers at knee height. Now he really was confused; had she bought some kind of small pet? But pets didn’t open doors.  
He looked down and found himself gazing into the eyes of a very small, very earnest child. He had a vague memory of having seen the child before, but he couldn’t remember who it belonged to. He tended to ignore children as a rule; they were things that happened to other people.  
The child was staring at him expectantly. ‘Um...hello...’ he said.  
‘Hello,’ it said back, still looking earnest.  
There was an awkward silence during which the child continued to stare and Picard tried to look anywhere, but at the child. He was just wondering if he should try to shake hands with it or something when a flash of red hair and blue lab coat caught his eye. Beverly was hurrying towards the child, looking flustered.  
‘Molly! You mustn’t answer the door.’  
Molly! That was it. Molly O’Brien. The child was Molly O’Brien.   
Beverly had seen him now and was looking even more flustered. ‘Jean-Luc,’ she said, picking up the child and carrying her further into the room. ‘Was I expecting you?’  
And her reception was just as frosty as he’d imagined it would be. ‘No, I just thought I’d stop by for a chat.’ He’s followed her inside even though she hadn’t invited him and now the two of them stood awkwardly just inside the door while Molly O’Brien looked back and forth between them with wide, curious eyes. ‘I can see you’re busy though. I’ll come back later.’  
Molly had caught sight of the wine and flowers in his hands. ‘Are those presents for me?’ She asked.  
Picard could feel his face reddening ‘Um...these are...’ he said, thrusting the flowers at her. ‘This isn’t.’ He kept hold of the wine, not sure what to do with it.  
The ghost of a smile was playing around Beverly’s mouth now. Apparently his awkwardness was entertaining. ‘I think that’s for me,’ she said, taking the wine from him.  
‘Er...yes...’ he’d had a speech prepared, but Molly’s presence had made him forget it completely. There was another moment of awkward silence which was broken by the chime of Beverly’s commbadge. He was almost relieved to hear it.  
‘Dr. Crusher, please report to sickbay,’ Nurse Ogawa’a voice filled the room. ‘Ensign Gilmore’s had a skiing accident. I think her leg’s broken.’  
‘On my way,’ Beverly said, all business now.  
‘Am I coming too?’ Molly asked.  
Beverly looked flustered. ‘The O’Brien’s are both on duty,’ she muttered half to herself and half to Picard. ‘Perhaps Deanna’s free…’  
Her hand was halfway to her commbadge before Picard spoke. ‘I’ll look after her,’ he said and then regretted it instantly.  
Beverly looked doubtful. ‘I think Deanna’s having dinner with Will tonight,’ he added.  
‘Alright,’ Beverly said. She put on her lab coat, hesitated for a couple of seconds and then left the room quickly before she had a chance to change her mind.  
Picard looked at Molly. Molly looked at Picard. For ten long seconds, neither of them moved. ‘You’re not very good at this, are you?’ Molly observed.  
Picard was quite taken aback. No one had been quite so blunt with him in years. He decided it might be best to meet honesty with honesty. ‘Not really,’ he replied.  
‘How about I be in charge?’  
‘Why not?’ Picard said somewhat weakly.  
‘Let’s play hide and seek.’  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Two hours, four games of hide and seek and two dolls’ tea parties later, they were both exhausted. Molly had fallen asleep curled up on the sofa and Picard was struggling to keep his own eyes open as he sat beside her, an unread book on his lap. He was amazed by how much he’d enjoyed the evening. He was starting to find the little girl quite endearing. All of a sudden, with absolute clarity, an image sprung into his mind; an image of a red haired child with his brown eyes. He shook his head slightly. Best not think about things like that, but a strange sadness had already begun to creep over him.  
The door to Beverly’s quarters slid open. She came in and stopped just inside the door, staring in amazement at the pair on the sofa. ‘It went well then?’ she asked, a smile in her voice.  
‘Did you have doubts?’ Picard asked, teasing. She didn’t reply. Instead, she picked a still sleeping Molly up and carried her into the bedroom. When she returned, she stared at him again.  
‘I should go,’ he said.  
‘Do you ever regret it?’ she asked. ‘Not having children?’  
‘I have a starship instead,’ he replied, but she was looking at him as though she didn’t believe him. He looked away and started to get to his feet.  
‘No,’ she said. ‘Stay.’  
‘We’re still friends?’ he asked, remembering their harsh words earlier.  
He was rewarded with a warm smile. ‘Always,’ she replied.


End file.
